6 Ways to Help you Cope with Dating Anxiety
If the idea of dating makes your insides turn and your face wrinkle up, you’re not alone, it’s enough to make plenty people squeamish these days - especially with the ongoing use of dating apps. With dating there’s a certain level of nervousness that’s to be expected…and then there’s dating anxiety. Dating anxiety can affect anyone, even people who have been in healthy relationships in the past. It often comes from a fear of rejection or rejecting others (Rizvi, Tram, & Bergström, 2021), appearance based factors (Swami, Barron, & Furnham, 2022) uneasiness with socializing, the awkwardness of meeting someone new for the first time, or simply not knowing what to say to someone you like. There are a lot of ways that dating anxiety can creep up on us and make things difficult when we're trying to get out there and meet new people.
Research (Dattilo et al., 2022) has now come out showing an increase in dating anxiety due to the impact of COVID-19, leading to higher levels of anxiety and depressive symptoms making it more important than ever to recognize and cope with symptoms.
Managing dating anxiety can help you foster healthier connections and help you learn to enjoy the process - no really! You don’t have to suffer through it. Sometimes a simple shift in mindset can help lessen the anxiety and even turn it into something exciting and fun – gasp!
What is dating anxiety?
Dating anxiety can come from a variety of places, each varying from person to person. Some examples include social anxiety, fear of rejection, negative past experiences, fear of vulnerability, etc. We can also put pressures on ourselves to find “the one” because of societal created timelines, cultural expectations, or influences from family and friends. Feeling the need to meet certain milestones or conform to societal norms within a timeline can create unnecessary anxiety, stress, and pressure about dating and relationships and may potentially rush us into something we may not be ready for.
Understand and normalize your feelings
It's important to recognize that feeling anxious about dating is normal and that many, many people (anywhere from 12% to 31%) experience dating anxiety to some extent. Create time and space to connect with yourself and your feelings. Identifying your anxiety can help you know how to better cope with it and approach it with compassion and non-judgment. Anxiety is a natural response to new situations and it doesn't define your worth or have to impact you ability to form meaningful connections.
Talk about it
Talking about your dating anxiety with a friend, therapist or someone you trust can help it feel less big. It can also be a way to practice having vulnerable conversations with someone familiar around your thoughts, feelings, and experiences and gain awareness around any discomfort it brings. Practicing in low stake situations can make it feel way less scary. Click this link to read more about how therapy can help anxiety.
Have a plan
Planning what you can brings a sense of control and can lessen worries and anxieties. This may include questions you want to ask, how you want to ask them and what you can do if things aren’t going as well as you hoped. For dates that do go well and you’re ready to go a little deeper think about - what do you want them to know about you? What are some of their strengths? How do they respond in stressful situations? What would make this person an ideal partner for me?
It’s not uncommon for dates to be somewhere in the middle of great and terrible (especially if you did not know each other before). This does not mean it’s a total flop or it is not worth pursuing. If this occurs, jot down some notes to ask for next time and the feelings you are experiencing. If this person ends up not being right for you after all, that’s okay! It does not mean you’ve wasted your time and energy - hopefully you’ve learned something about yourself and your needs to help you be even more prepared for your next date!
Click the links below for lists of questions to get you started -
First date questions
More first date questions
Get comfortable with the unknown
One of the biggest causes of anxiety and worry is what we feel when something goes wrong. But sometimes, things go wrong because they're supposed to. In this case, it's helpful to remember that things shift and change and what you thought was wrong before can actually turn out to be helpful. And most importantly - no matter what direction things go - know that you will be okay.
You can use affirmations as a way to calm yourself down during stressful moments — even if it feels like everything is going completely haywire (which can happen). If you're having trouble finding courage within yourself or trusting others, these affirmations might help you get over manage fears. CLICK HERE to download free affirmation cards you can print and use when needed.
Identify what you can control
Write down the things that are in your control to help alleviate anxiety from the unknowns - what are your thoughts, feelings and actions in the situation or experience? Also try to find something fun and exciting in the process such as picking out a new outfit, trying a new, funky hairstyle, or recommending a new activity.
Practice your skills, manage expectations, do it anyway
One way to minimize dating anxiety is to practice your skills with the support of a therapist. In therapy you can learn how to manage your anxiety and cope with rejection, making it much easier to take the risks necessary in dating and meeting people in real life. Try to set realistic expectations for yourself with dating to eliminate the pressure of finding “the one” too quickly. We can run the risk of rushing into things that might not be good for us or to overthink situations, increasing anxiety. Dating is a process and can take time to find someone and establish a long-term, authentic connection. I can be a great opportunity to learn more about yourself, learn more about other people, and to have fun!
The trick is not letting it control you—and learning how to manage it so it doesn't get worse!
Bottom line
Dating anxiety is common and it doesn’t have to limit your ability to date. If you want to your dating anxiety to be more manageable, the only way through it is getting out there and to practice! The more you practice your social skills, the easier it will be for you to navigate this sometimes scary process with greater confidence.
Therapy can help
If you feel like you’re getting stuck along the way or want more guided support, it may be time to seek a consultation with a therapist. Contact Real Well Therapy here or call 512-686-7009.
Want to learn more about how anxiety therapy can help you? Click here!
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Disclaimer: the information provided in this blog post is for educational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice or a substitute for professional consultation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional.
