How to Find Your Power When You Feel Hopeless
This one is hard. I almost chose a topic that was more generic, less emotionally taxing, and easier to write. Almost. Sitting with my client’s this week was one of the first times in my time as a therapist that I consistently struggled with finding a helpful reframe (something I’m pretty freaking good at and pride myself in). It was more difficult to offer even a little dollop of hope, positivity or enlightenment. Sitting in our humanness, acknowledging the feelings and offering validation was the best offering there was to provide, which is okay; most of the time the simplicity around relationship is all we need. The past month has been difficult – Supreme Court decisions, horrific gun violence involving our most vulnerable, monkeypox (‘c’mon man), talk around even more restrictions on rights for folks in the LGTBQ+ community. I’m angry. My friends are angry. My clients are angry. In the therapy room, I teach my clients that anger is a secondary emotion, always masking something else. What could it be this time? Worry? Disgust? Grief? Trapped? Helpless? All of the above or something different? Still trying to figure it out? I’m with you, man.
The one that stands out to me right in this moment is helplessness:
Helplessness - the sense of being unable to act or react to a negative situation. Sound familiar?
This one sucks. As much as I wish it were the case, there is no magical solution or answer I can offer to rid us of these shitty situations that keep happening and the incredibly difficult thoughts and feelings that go along with them. I’d love to be able to call up my pal Hermione and have her bust out some badass spell to make it all go away (full disclosure - I heavily lean more towards Ron as a wizardly favorite but don’t want to add to more controversy to an already very heavy week).
But there is hope (really there is, if you look in the right places) and there are a few things we can do to make it all a little more bearable. To find ways to turn the energy from difficult emotions into something more helpful. To get a little more power back. If you’re not ready for that, that’s okay too. Take your time.
Acknowledge, label by name, and feel your feelings
With anger, it is easy to first react rather than respond (it is a fighting feeling after all). We may lash out at others, give into social media arguments that aren’t serving us or place blame somewhere that is undeserving. No judgment or shame, the feelings and behaviors serve a purpose in protecting us from the underlying feelings mentioned above we are scared of or think we can’t handle. The ones that are more difficult to sit with. Alternatively, some folks may numb and check out all together. Unfortunately, this may do more harm than good as it doesn’t allow us to process what is going on inside, rather shoves it under a rug only to come back out in the most inopportune time - like at a dinner party right when the guests arrive (don’t you hate that?!). Practice taking a moment of stillness to identify our fears and feelings, label them for what they are, and listen to what they are trying to tell us. This may feel daunting and uncomfortable at first but with practice this can become as routine as riding a bicycle or tying a she. Doing this empowers us to take the course of action that is more in line with who we are and what we out passionate about – aka our values.
Reconnect with your values
Values are incredible guideposts in our lives and our connection to ourselves and what is important to us. Helplessness strips away one of the things humans hold onto the most – control. The loss of control can be overwhelming and all consuming when the world is filled with such intense troubling events. The more macro level the issue is (bigger the picture and larger the effects) the heavier the loss of control feels. Finding the things that are still in your control is crucial. How we respond to our thoughts and feelings and what we value is something no one can take away from us no matter how hard they try. We get to decide and keep that for ourselves. A helpful question to ask when difficult feelings arise is what value if being effected here? Is this effecting something I find most important? What matters to me? If the recent injustices are creating feelings inside you, what value might this be connected to?
Fore more help on identifying your values and a list of common core values you can check out this article -
Finding small ways to advocate for change connected with your value can be a form of self care. Take a quick search of organizations in your community where you can volunteer, get out there and advocate, whatever you feel connected to.
Observe your thoughts and challenge cognitive distortions
Common cognitive distortions (an irrational thought pattern often connected to overwhelming feelings such as depression or anxiety) that can occur around feelings of helplessness include all or thinking or catastrophizing.
All or nothing thinking – everything is a disaster and nothing is going right
Catastrophizing – jumping to the worst possible conclusion with limited information or thinking nothing will get better
Thinking in the extremes is not a productive state to be in for very long. Try taking notice and observing when these thoughts are occurring but try not to hold onto the thought as fact. In these moments, it can be helpful to take small steps to find control in your life and connect with things that bring you joy. Is there a small task you have been putting off that you can complete? Could you put a couple dishes away, pour yourself some coffee in your favorite mug, take a step outside and take a breath, feel the softness of your favorite blanket, go for a bike ride. force your kitty to sit on your lap for some snuggles (this one can unfortunately be very fleeting and may result in an unexpected lesson on boundaries)? Reach out to a pal that shares your same values and meet up for a tasty treat or a nice swim.
Sometimes a little bit of validation is all we need.
Above all, take care and nurture yourself. Self-care is by itself an act of rebellion after all. But we can save that for another time.
Therapy can help
If you feel like you’re getting stuck along the way or want more guided support, it may be time to seek a consultation with a therapist. Contact Real Well Therapy here or call 512-686-7009.
Want to learn more about how anxiety therapy can help you? Click here!
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Disclaimer: the information provided in this blog post is for educational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice or a substitute for professional consultation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional.
