12 Things that Help When You're Feeling Lonely
Have you ever wondered why you want to be alone but feel lonely? That’s because there’s a difference between “feeling” and “being” (keep reading.) Loneliness….bleck. Lonely might be one of the most difficult, shitty feelings we can experience. It’s so heavy and can create such an intense physical achiness and a hollow emptiness inside our body, which can make anyone feel yucky. It’s definitely one of those emotions that that give true definition to the word “feel.” I don’t know about you, but I have literally felt light pains in my heart when I’m deep in my lonely feels. I mean, the term heartache didn’t come from nothing!
If you think about it, we are not meant to be alone all the time. WAIT! Reverse, reverse.
Alone?
Lonely?
Is there a difference? Yes! FEELING alone or lonely is different than BEING alone and it’s important to distinguish the difference. There is great value in our ability to BE alone (rejuvenation, connection with self, rest) but humans are not meant to be in an extended state of aloneness or to do life completely on our own. We are social animals. Too much time alone or a lack of social connection can lead to feelings of loneliness that can become harmful to our physical and mental health. So much so, some studies suggest that those of us with meaningful, lifelong connections with others or community help us to live longer. Woooooah.
It makes sense! We need other people to regulate our nervous systems using a fancy-ish word called co-regulation. Being in the presence of others engages our para-sympathetic nervous system…aka the calming center…and helps us relax, leading to an increase in stress hormones. Yea, no thank you.
That being said, I LOVE to be alone. LOVE. IT. And I need it. But I also know that I need meaningful connection with other humans. Because I’ve done the work (and have 37 years under my belt), I know when I’m sinking too far into my alone-ness and know when it’s needed. I can tell the difference between my own feelings of loneliness and being alone. And I don’t feel bad or apologize for it.
But let’s be real, there are just some experiences and feelings we can only get in connection with others that you cannot get yourself. I mean, if I could find a way to cuddle myself to create the same feeling I get when my partner cuddles me, I wouldn’t be here writing this blog!! Having someone to share our days with over morning coffee or boxes of Chinese take-out is a different experience than spilling egg drop soup on ourselves and have no one to laugh about it with.
Let’s do a quick definition for the sake of simplicity: loneliness can be defined as the state of being alone and feeling sad about it.
There are many types of loneliness we can experience and understanding each one is important to find the right direction for you. Loneliness from…
- Lack of friends or a social circle
- Not having a partner…or you do but still feel lonely and lack of connection. This one....oof.
- Feeling misunderstood……….(here is a great article on being misunderstood)
- Existential loneliness. Feeling far away from something greater than your own experience and thoughts
- Feeling alone in your work and not having found purpose in life
I’ve experienced them all. When we are lonely, it is helpful to start to look inward and identify areas where there might be a disconnection with self. The moment that yucky lonely feeling sets in we often seek out others to help make the feeling go away. This is not a terrible idea, but we need to make sure it is done in a thoughtful manner that aligns with our needs and values.
There are also things you can do to enhance connection and minimize pervasive feelings of loneliness.
Here are 12 tips for when you’re feeling lonely -
Practice self-compassion
It’s easy to fall into the trap of being an a-hole to yourself. We might think it is our fault we are feeling lonely or shame around feeling this way because we “have everything” or have things others do not. Gratefulness is helpful but we also must recognize that loneliness is a common, global human experience. You are worthy of wholly experiencing your feelings of loneliness and doing things for yourself. Speak to yourself kindly, supportively and gently while also holding yourself accountable to things in your control that can provide relief. Click here to read more about how you can start practicing self-compassion.
Express your emotions in a healthy way
Because loneliness is a feeling, it is crucial to identify it when it occurs and feeling the feeling as much as we can. Sooo many people try to avoid the feeling, but this is only a temporary fix. You can feel the feeling. You can get through it. It is only temporary. Be present with your emotions, practicing moments of reflection and curiosity around your emotions. Reflect on any guilt and shame and challenge any thoughts/feelings around self-blame for your feelings of loneliness. It’s not your fault and these feelings are okay! Go inward and connect with yourself. Journal, draw, express yourself in any way that feels good to you.
Be present and notice smaller moments of joy
Yea, yea I know everyone talks about being present and there’s a bazillion Pinterest quote to address it. And you know what? I love a good Pinterest quote. Amp up your mindfulness game and be curious about the environment around you and the thoughts and feelings within yourself. This helps minimize potential for ruminations, thought spiraling, and hanging on to things outside of out control.
Assess how you are using your free time
Using spare time to participate in hobbies or connecting with others in social events can help enhance relationships with ourselves and those around us. Just like anxiety, you can harness energy around loneliness and use it for motivation or action towards reaching out to others and seeking social support.
Connect in real life and do more things with your people
I get it, sometimes it’s just easier to stay at home burrito-ed on the couch with your favorite tv show or video game. Just start small with one yes or one invite a week with someone. A coffee, quick lunch, a short walk, happy hour or dinner and go from there! You deserve and need quality relationships and making time prioritizing bonds you have with people can help to combat loneliness. Let’s strengthen that vulnerability and relationship building muscle!
Talk to strangers
Yea it can feel weird or awkward, but studies suggest interactions with other humans provide a greater sense of connection and regulate our nervous system. Just start with a simple hello or how are you? My grandmother was brilliant at this, grocery runs always took twice as long because she chatted with everyone! Let’s bring it back.
Use social media to your benefit
There is no greater trigger of feeling shitty about our selves and our lives than scrolling through social media. Be thoughtful of who and what gets to occupy our space. Unfollow all accounts or people that make you feel bad. You know who and what they are! Ditch it. Be gone negativity! This not only minimizes crappy feelings about ourselves that can creep in but also helps with FOMO and unrealistic, curated photos and videos around perfect lives. Use the space in a way that served you and what you want. It is a space where most of our family and friends are frequently occupying. Use it to offer support to others in comments or messages rather than being a passive observer and see what happens!
Join an online group of like-minded people
There’s a Facebook group for everything. For real. Hiking, crafting, new moms, old moms, ladies who lunch, ladies who tattoo, etc etc. Just do a quick search and I’m sure you will find something you identify with. Join, interact, and attend an event.
Get a pet (or a plant)!
A dog or a cat are amazing…and adorable…little companions! Caring for pets give us a sense of purpose and provide a fun, cute distraction. They get you out of the house and provide the BEST welcomes when you come home. Animals are great conversation starters when in public and can help you feel less alone if you go somewhere by yourself. You can take them on walks or hikes, go to the dog park, pet stores and patios. There’s gotta be a good handful of folks who met their partner after their dogs went after the same ball…right? Oh yea, and they’re cute.
Spend money on experiences
Experiences create opportunities in learning about yourself and meeting other people in a meaningful way. Think art class, cooking class, a concert or movie, a nature experience. Check your local events pages, there’s lots of offerings in the community. Get creative!
Volunteer
Giving back is great for others and the community but also creates a sense of purpose within ourselves and connects us with others. It feels good!
When to seek out a therapist
If any of the above feels too overwhelming or you are not sure where to start, booking a session with a therapist can provide a space to work through your feelings to help find a little bit of clarity and a good starting point. I can also provide accountability for yourself and ability to further explore your needs and enhance self-awareness. Click here to check out this blog post for more information on how to determine if you need to be in therapy.
Above all else, be you, be present, be curious, be playful and see what happens.
Therapy can help
If you feel like you’re getting stuck along the way or want more guided support, it may be time to seek a consultation with a therapist. Contact Real Well Therapy here or call 512-686-7009.
Want to learn more about how anxiety therapy can help you? Click here!
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Disclaimer: the information provided in this blog post is for educational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice or a substitute for professional consultation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional.
