How to Cope with Challenging Family Relationships During the Holidays
The holiday season often means more family gatherings and time spent with family members you haven’t seen in a while - maybe on purpose! - and moments to reconnect. This can bring a mix of emotions as big as Santa's bag and challenges in navigating family dynamics. Maybe you don’t get along with all of your family members, or you put up strong boundaries during the rest of the year in an effort to AVOID AT ALL COSTS!
You may notice joy in catching up with loved ones, stress from juggling different personalities (why is there always a “weird” uncle?), or anxiety and stress from the thought of interacting with a certain person that makes you feel bad about yourself.
If you’re anything like handfuls of my clients, there may be differing opinions on hot topics, past conflicts that still linger, or simply the clash of varying personalities, it's important to approach these moments with increased patience and compassion. You probable have ways to soothe difficult feelings and awkward moments in the past and need a refresher or you might just be gritting your teeth through it only to notice a sore jaw for the whole month.
There is a way! It might not look like all the shiny, pretty ornaments but it is possible to find a sense of harmony and connection, however small.
Here are eight ways to help you do this you can use during your next stressful holiday or family gathering - or any time really!
Acknowledge your Family’s Dynamics
Dynamics are the way people interact and relate to each other - and every relationship has them. Recognizing your own family’s unique dynamics can her you gain insights and understanding about you communicate, how you resolve conflicts, how you play, and connect with each other. Through this understanding, you are better able to “predict” and potential difficult situations or stress points that may occur in the system. You can then prepare as much as you are able going into a family gathering - what breaks will you need? What boundaries will you need to set? What are your non-negotiables? How can you best care for yourself?
This can be harder than it seems sometimes, because you are also part of the family dynamic. It can be difficult to separate yourself from it enough to notice and identify patterns of interactions. There are also usually high emotions involved potentially making things even more fuzzy. Guidance and support from a therapist can be a game changer in helping you gain understanding and insight.
Set Realistic Expectations
You may have a set of expectations in your brain about how things should go. Sometimes you know it’s there, sometimes you don’t. These expectations are typically attached to what we “hope” things would be like rather than reality. They can come from societal pressures, social media, comparison to those around you, or your own values. This can set you up for overwhelming disappointment and stress.
Finding happy medium somewhere might make it helpful to cope with disappointments do occur. No family is perfect. No situation is perfect. Human beings are relationships can be incredibly unpredictable (even when we have done the work to identify family dynamics!). Try to accept that disagreements and conflicts will occur. You can’t control that. But you can control your own expectations and responses to situations.
Don’t forget that even if conflict occurs, it does not have to overshadow any joy and love that also may be present. It difficult moments seem to be louder than to joyful ones - I get it. But they can both exist at the same time.
Communication Reigns Supreme
Honest communication is where the magic lays. If only it was easy! There are so, so, so many reasons why communicating within the family is difficult. But keeping an eye out for moment to do so can make a huge difference in maintaining strong connections. Assuming you are in an emotionally safe environment to do si, encouraging open, respectful and active listening on your part and help minimize any assumptions being made or misunderstandings. It can recreate patterns of being heard. valued, and seen if it has not been present in the past or bring this pattern to the forefront if it has already been present - bridging any gaps that may be present.
I mean, this is all in principal. I recognize the energy it can take to make these kinds of shifts in dynamics and I’m not saying the holidays are necessarily the time to air every concern. But it can be a good start to practicing healthy communication and navigate difficulties that may arise.
Respect Differences
There’s lots of different flavorings in families. They’re like the largest combination plate at Taco Bell or your favorite Mexican restaurant - they have a little bit of everything. You’d think with genetics involved, it wouldn’t be this way! Even if you may not like or want to eat the whole plate, every taco, every burrito, every taquito and enchilada can be embraced with respect an understanding that they play an important role in making the combination what it is. Same with the members of your family you may not always understand or like. This does NOT mean you have to accept any behavior that is abusive or hateful. Toss the burnt or moldy taco aside, it will make you sick. If you’re around an abusive or hateful family member, you have every right to toss yourself aside and leave the situations.
Create Boundaries
It is important to recognize the significance of setting boundaries in order to foster and sustain healthy relationships. Identify your own “dealbreakers” regarding behaviors and what you are not willing to engage in. Recognizing when a conversation might be getting stressful by noticing your own feelings and internal reactions and make a plan to implement a boundary.
Struggle with setting boundaries? Start here - 5 Simple Steps for Setting Boundaries
Effectively communicating our boundaries in a clear and respectful manner can greatly help how we interact with others as well as being able to respect other people’s boundaries. They act as a protective barrier, helping to minimize conflicts and resentments.
This can be especially helpful with family members you already know bring up difficult and unwanted topics. Thinking ahead can help reduce confusion or unhelpful reactions. For example, a simple “this topic makes me feel uncomfortable” is a simple statement you can write down and have in your arsenal. Or even simply, not responding at all and walking away.
Having trouble thinking of other boundaries or communications? Ask a friend! Ask your therapist! Sometimes it’s easier to consult with someone who is further removed from the situation.
Practice Forgiveness and Compassion
While it may difficult to almost impossible in the moment, approaching interactions with compassion by taking a moment to understand where the other person is coming from can minimize difficult emotions and potential conflicts. Also, the act of forgiveness, plays a pivotal role in our emotional well-being as it liberates us from the stronghold of resentment.
This does not give people a free pass to be an ass-hole or abusive, however, and mindfulness around boundaries also need to be present (see above).
Need a place to start? Check out this meditation on compassion.
Know When to Take Breaks
It is important to be self-aware and acknowledge any signs of rising tensions or the need for a break. Remember, it is completely acceptable to take small breaks to nurture your own well-being. Stepping away for a leisurely walk, engaging in a personal activity, or simply having a quick conversation outside of the gathering can help gain perspective and provide much-needed relief from stress.
Prioritize Self-Care and Use Grounding Techniques
Caring for your own needs helps your overall stress and overwhelm. Read a book, go for a walk, take a bath, make sure you’re sleeping and eating well - whatever you find nurturing! Do what you can to optimize your well-being you will help you communicate your boundaries and respond to any difficult moments rather than react in a way you may not like.
If you notice anxiety creeping in, check in to see if you are getting caught up in your thoughts. Grounding is a helpful way to bring yourself back into the present moment.
To do this, ask yourself - what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. You might see “ tables, chairs, rugs, a cat, plate, muffin and for me, my hazelnut coffee in my Santa mug. At the same time feel the coolness of the keys as I type and the smoothness of each key. I also feel the stiffness of the joints at the end of my fingers and the warmth from my sherpa pullover and the softness from the fleece on my homemade quilt. I also feel the vibration from my cat purring on my leg.
Seeking Support if Needed
If family relationships significantly impact your mental health and well-being, seeking professional support can be beneficial. Therapists or counselors can offer guidance and coping strategies tailored to your specific family dynamics.
Bottom Line
Navigating family relationships during the holidays requires empathy, communication, and understanding. Embrace the diversity within your family, set boundaries, communicate openly, and prioritize the connections that truly matter. When possible, cherish the moments and approach family gatherings with an open heart and mind while taking care of yourself.
Therapy can help
If you feel like you’re getting stuck along the way or want more guided support, it may be time to seek a consultation with a therapist. Contact Real Well Therapy here or call 512-686-7009.
Want to learn more about how anxiety therapy can help you? Click here!
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Disclaimer: the information provided in this blog post is for educational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice or a substitute for professional consultation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional.
